Breaking Up: Rituals of Change

I'm back to the Drawing Board.

Thank you for being here while I've taken some time to do some healing.  This post is going to be a highly personal one.  I would like to share with you where I have been since my heart has "gone fishing".

NOTE: Tantra Tuesdays will be returning next week, November 17th.  And it should be a juicy one, as I am about to embark on a new course with Lucy Becker that focuses on pleasure in an explosive way.
Self-Expression Springboards will be returning THIS THURSDAY!  I hope you'll join me for that this week.

If you have been reading The Drawing Board for a while now, you know I am living with my wonderful partner in our darling house which we have been gutting and renovating for 4 years now, creating this home as we would a work of art.  This has been such a deeply rewarding and personal journey, and my connection to this house runs like that of a mother and child, artist and creation.  It's been amazing to share that dream and the dream of a future together with my partner.

2 months ago, after a lot of soul searching, counseling and hard passionate work, my partner and I decided to break up.  

And so, the dreams I had been building are becoming sand.  This sand will turn to pixie dust which will turn into new dreams, perhaps dreams that have been there all along, like tiny seeds of my heart's desire.  In the meantime, many things are coming to a close and making way for new beginnings.

But before all the pixie dust and new beginnings, there is loss. 

Loss to be noticed, acknowledged, felt and honoured.

Break-Ups don't Happen in a Vacuum

There are many things that change when a relationship dies.  It impacts a whole community, just like it does when a new relationship is created.  There is a reason why weddings are celebrated with family, loved ones, witnesses.  Weddings don't often happen in silence the way so many break-ups do.

I feel like we are missing out on the healing that is available through ritual around break-ups.  Weddings really mark that moment of making a commitment of love to one another, but what about that moment of bringing the relationship to a close? 

I mean, besides the Break-Up Hair Cut.
How can we mark this moment of change?

Endings and Beginnings are two sides of the same coin.  I feel that they should be equally honoured.

For Us, it was a Celebration

As you know, Halloween is a very special time for me, as well as for my partner.  We have been throwing these fantastic parties for years now.  And this year, we decided that even though we broke up,  in fact, because we broke up, we were going to throw the Halloween party that would become a legend.  We wanted it to be a big shiny funeral of our time together, and showcase us at our best: creating a magical space with our shared visions and passions.

And let me tell you, this party was truly spectacular.  It exceeded all of my wishes, on every level.  It was a big, bursting colourful night of dancing and celebrating, friends and strangers, art and magic.

The painting in the photograph is my own Death Portrait of the two of us, which was displayed at the party as part of a Day-of-the-Dead-Inspired memorial.  It was emotional to create this piece, and to create the party in general, but the truth is that the emotions were present regardless of whether or not I chose to express them.   

Self-Expression Heals

For me, the party was a ritual to honour this loss, this celebration, this transition.  An opportunity to take the joy and sadness that was under the surface and bring it out, into the space, where it can breathe and take up room and move on.

Through the ritual of creating the party, my partner and I could express what was happening, share it with our loved ones and acknowledge the impact of our relationship in our own lives, as well as the community that surrounds us.

And, we got to do it together, on our own terms.  We created the party the way we created our relationship, with love.  And this is also the way we are currently creating our break-up.  It has all been a very moving and truly beautiful experience.

Not easy, no sir.  Not pain-free, nope.  But there is beauty in all these things.

Self-Expression is such a powerful key to healing.  It can lighten you right up, once the heavy feelings are moved from your body and out into the world.  The world can hold it for you.  You are not alone.

It's never too late, by the way, to create a ritual around a loss you may have suffered that still aches just below the surface.  It's deeply personal, and you get to create what it looks like.  You can create anything you want to.

Here is something I've learned from experiencing this loss: to move forward with open arms, you may need to lay some things down first.  It's okay to give yourself that time to heal, and to bravely approach your own healing in the way you know in  your heart to be right for you.

I invite you to see some truly gorgeous photos of the party taken by the talented Michelle Yee, whose story-telling approach to photography captures the beauty of any celebration in such a meaningful way. (fyi: I am photograph 20.  And Chewy?  Yes, that is entirely hand-made, believe it or not)

Also, for those of you who make vision boards or participate in Jamie's Full Moon Dreamboards, just check out what I sent out to the Universe just days before all this change began to surface.  I find this wildly magical.  Especially since the "extraordinary" that I was wishing for is blasting into my life in ways that are blowing my mind. 

Magic and uncharted waters are everywhere right now, that is for sure.

Comments

[Chris Kay]

Danette,

You make me cry.
Thank you for this beautiful post.

Thank you from me, right here today, taking it is as your story of loss,
and thank you from me, later and far away, when I'll think back on it and integrate it into my own losses.

& Thank you from all the people who will read this and be touched by in ways you can't see.

Ah, howly, that Chewy costume was hand-made? I'd just *assumed...* Wo.

Wonders are everywhere.

Thanks for being so very you.

[Jenn Hicks]

dearest,

what a special experience you have carefully tossed out into our collective consciousness.

in your special way, you have inspired soul-listening and heart-urging action.

and with such grace.
unbelievable compassion and love.

you are a treasure. a gift to space everywhere.

wow for you....

[coRa]

Thank you...

[Marianne]

I just arrived here via some of your friends on Twitter. This post has moved and inspired me deeply. I agree 100% about the need for rituals for endings. People sometimes think me morbid in my passion for rituals around death and letting go. I think it may be my Irish/Scottish family's love of a good wake and a good wail that have influenced me.

Your party sounds like a wonderful wake for your relationship and I salute and applaud you both for taking the time (and facing the pain) to make a ritual to celebrate your relationship and invite others to share in the mourning of its passing. Halloween seems like the perfect match.

I wish you gentle healing and the constant knowledge that below the choppy waters of your heart lies always the deep, calm sea. Rest in it when you can.

[Allison]

I feel like you're a hummingbird, always in motion - even when it looks like you're hovering midair. So wonderful to see - musters up such motivation!

Love to you.

[pen*]

danette, this was such a sincere and profound post. it captures the essence of what you have been going through, and honours your last relationship with grace, respect and love.

it's so wonderful to see you back in this space. truly, you make it an awe inspiring place to visit.

the world is a better place with you in it :)

xo

ps. they halloween party ROCKED

[Robin]

Danette, you're completely right about the silence that surrounds a breakup. Breakup silence lodges in the pit of the stomach and makes us yearn for all that regular, comforting quietness that used to nestle there. I've thought about this for a while since reading your post, and that's what makes sense to me.

I also think you're completely right about the ritual part. I tossed my ragged salvo out to the Universe in the form of a Wishcast - oh, so many kind thoughts were sent my way. That was the beginning. Now I'm working consciously to make each day better than the last. The silence is still lodged there like a chunk of grainy ice, but I sense that the edges are thawing. Not to be greedy, but I'm hoping for a heat wave!

So I wish you the best of everything in your process of healing. I'm right there with you.