the drawing board

3 Things *not* to Say when Someone You Know has a Breakup

 The Beautiful Breakup Series Continues...

This is a post for the friends and loved ones of the newly heartbroken.  

Hello there!  Welcome to the Beautiful Breakup Series.  Maybe someone forwarded this to you as a shy way of letting you know they are feeling vulnerable right now and need your support.  It's so wonderful that you want to have their back during this hard time, way to go on being a good friend! 

I know you have good intentions and it sucks to see your dear friend so shaken and sad.  You just want them to be happy, I know.  And oh my god that bonehead they were dating....I'm sure you have some things you'd love to get off your chest now that they are no longer together!  

But wait!  Just wait.  Read this post first.

I want to kindly help you direct your good intentions into compassionate action.  You might be shooting out love bombs only to have them spread more damage than love.  

Here are some common well-intended offerings that might be a little explosive, as well as some alternative ideas that might get your message of support through with much more bang for your bomb (in a good way).

 

 

1.You Look so Skinny in that Breakup!

This is number one, because it is the one that gets me most riled up.  I'm going to say to you what I wanted to say to the loved ones who gushed at how hot I looked after a breakup.  I know, they meant well.  And maybe, I did look hot.  But I really wished that they had taken a moment to consider the context, and the impact of this well meaning statement.

Side Note: I could, and maybe will eventually, write a whole series about body image and weight.  Goodness knows I have plenty of material.  How the question "have you lost weight?" is considered an acceptable compliment is a blog post on it's own.  I get that this is a loaded topic.  I am going to speak from my own experience, specifically in regards to the weight that sometimes falls off right *after* a breakup.

So, your friend is newly heartbroken.  Their relationship has fallen apart.  You see your friend, and notice they are clearly a few sizes smaller than they were just a few weeks ago.

When weight falls off fast and in obvious quantities in the context of a breakup, it is most likely a sign that they have been depressed and are not eating well.  This *might* not be the area you want to zoom in and compliment them on.

It's a little like noticing someone has lost a lot of weight with a terrible illness, and telling them that they look so great with their jeans hanging off them like that.

I kindly ask you to think about this one.

Even if your friend might enjoy the compliment, I'm going to be bold and suggest that you resist it. Because it's likely that this weight will come back, once they have pulled themselves off the floor and regain their appetite.  As someone who has been on the receiving end of this well-intended statement (several times) I can tell you that when the weight comes back, the impact was that I felt pretty crappy, because I had been told repeatedly (with the best of intentions) how my emaciated state was an improvement to my appearance.  

Really, I know it shouldn't matter what people think about my body.  But in the already tender state of healing a broken heart, I certainly didn't need to know that many people close to me found me more attractive when I was too wrecked to remember to eat, sleeping three hours a night and wasting days away in front of a computer screen smoking and crying.  Just saying.  

Compassionate Alternatives: Are you remembering to eat?  Can I take you out for dinner? Wow, I can see that you are being so strong right now.  I admire your courage.

 

2. I Never Liked That Loser You Were Dating/Married to

Okay, no one has actually said those words to me but I have had a surprising amount of loved ones "come out" with some not so complimentary observations about my ex's, about how my relationship was perceived and how they secretly didn't approve on some level or another. Again, all of these things were said to me with the best of intentions.

You may mean well and want to say you are happy for them to be rid of this person you didn't like, but remember: they chose to spend a significant part of their lives with this person.  You can't simply insult the ex without insulting the choices and taste of your heartbroken friend.  This is a significant chapter shaping the love story of their lives.  This is tender matter, and the truth is you don't really know everything that happened behind closed doors.  

Most importantly, your heartbroken friend doesn't need to be put in the position of defending their choice to invest in this relationship, or explaining the beauty of their ex that you don't really understand.  

Of course it's complicated.  

So to be safe, just ask yourself this: Is what I'm about to say going to help my friend feel comfortable, accepted and loved by me?  

This isn't about judging the relationship, or the ex.  This is about acknowledging the loss, regardless of whether or not you enjoyed dinner dates with them as a couple.  This isn't about you.

Compassionate Alternatives: It must be really hard to let go of the good times as well as the bad.  It's okay to miss your ex, even if you know breaking up is the right thing.  It's okay if you want to vent about your ex, I know that you loved them and that you are going through a lot of pain right now.

 

3. You'll Find Someone Better (and other forms of "Onwards and Upwards")

Of course you want them to be happy!  And it would be so nice to just skip past all this ugly-snotty crying, hop on over to where the grass is greener and get right back into the swing of things.  There is nothing wrong with you wanting to see your heartbroken friend out dancing, reinventing, enjoying their newfound freedoms and maybe even going on a blind date with that co-worker of yours who would be *so* perfect!

Hold on.

That time will come.  But right now is the time where they need to feel the pain of this loss.  Right now is a messy time.  It is actually incredibly important that your friend have space to feel all the pain, release all the grief, and really heal this heart from the inside out.  Only they know the rhythm of their emotions on this one.  Only they will know when it is time to "cheer up." 

You can't tell someone to "get over it".  No matter how much it pains you to see them sad, know that giving them space to be sad is such a nourishing gift.  

Only they can know when they have arrived there.  And it's different for everyone.

The good news is that there is nothing you need to do here, just relax.  Hang back and let your heartbroken friend lead.  Sometimes heartbroken friends don't reach out for support because they feel the need to put on a happy face for their loved ones who (again, with the best of intentions) are worried about them and just want to see them happy again.

If you want to be the kind of friend your heartbroken loved one can reach out to, let them know that however they show up is okay.

Compassionate Alternatives: When you are ready to go out dancing and letting loose, just let me know.  You don't have to pretend for me.  It's okay to be sad for as long as you need to.  I'm here for you no matter how you feel, and no matter how long it takes.  You're going to be okay, but you don't have to be okay today.  Not for me.

 

Thank you so much for reading this all the way through!  That tells me you are interested in being a good friend, which is one of the most wonderful things you can be.  I am so overwhelmingly grateful for the amazing friends I have who have been there for me during some really dark days. 

In addition to *not* saying the 3 things I've listed above, I would like to invite you to consider the simple powers of Acknowledgement and Acceptance when being that awesome friend that you are:  

Acknowledgement and Acceptance 

•  Acknowledge Your Friend: acknowledge that this sucks, that you care and that you see their pain.  
• Acknowledge Your Self: to your heartbroken friend, acknowledge that you want to be there, that you don't know how and that you would love suggestions on how you can best support them. 
• Accept Your Friend: accept their sorrow, their mood swings and the feelings you don't understand.  You don't need to understand them; just let them be, and let that be okay.
• Accept Your Self: accept that you can't make it all better and you don't have a magic wand to fix it.  And that's okay.

 

You are helping hearts heal!  That work ripples out to all of us.  On behalf of the broken hearted everywhere, thank you for being a friend.

 

Birthday Letters and Creating Radical Rituals

With the new year on the horizon I know many of you are looking towards how you want to show up in 2012, as well as taking stock of the past 12 months.  Though January 1st doesn't always feel like my "New Year" (September always feels like my true beginning) this year I am struck by a strong sense that big shifts are happening already.  Moments where so many of us are stirring with a desire for renewal can be a powerful energy to tap into and play with.  

I love feeling that connection and openness to possibility. Rituals mark these times with a sense of purpose, fun and magic.  

Let me share one of my personal favourite rituals with you.  

 

Birthday Letters

I just celebrated my birthday on December 7th.  I was very excited to celebrate with a full day of doing nothing but what pleases me, maybe having a few adventures and treats with special company.  How I celebrate changes from year to year, but one thing has been consistant for over a decade: I get to open a special Birthday Letter I wrote to myself the year before.

How Birthday Letters Work: 

You can start anytime!  It's never too late.  Of course, as the letters collect I can't help but wish I had started this earlier.  It's so wonderful to see the pile of coloured envelopes and read little heartfelt snapshots of where my life was each time December 7th rolled around the earth.

Here are some simple steps to get you started on your own Birthday Letters:

• on your next birthday, sit and write yourself a letter.  Or, write yourself a letter right now so you have one to open on your next birthday!  It's so fun to look forward to.
• there are many ways to do this, and all of them are right.  You can buy a lovely card at a stationary shop, make one at home with markers and stickers, or simply write a letter on a sheet of paper.  Make it as simple or as fancy as you wish.  Have fun creating this!  
• write whatever comes to you.  You may wish to recap the past year, dream ahead to what you are wishing for next year and send yourself the love and encouragement you might like in the future.  You may want to record how you celebrated, what you remember about this birthday and who was there to celebrate with you.  These are private letters, that only you will read.  Make them personal.
• once I opened my Birthday Letter to find a five dollar bill inside for me to take myself out for a latte!  It was so nice.  It's amazing how every year I forget what I put in that envelope...I love that I can surprise myself with little treats liket that. What little treat would you like to find in your Birthday Letter next year?
• seal it.  That's it.  Keep it somewhere safe but not too safe so that you can't find it next year.  I keep mine in a bundle near my desk, so I see them all year long.  It helps build excitement. 
• open it the following year on your birthday and start again!  This time you can also reflect on how it felt to open your last letter, and note what has changed in you and around you since you wrote it.

 

 

Important Notes about Kindness and Birthday Letters

On a practical note, I just wanted to share that I don't have hard rules about "getting my letter done" on my actual birthday, because chances are, I'll be celebrating and who wants homework on their birthday?  Not me, not even fun homework. 

So I give myself about a week to write myself a new letter.  And sometimes it's been a little longer.  One year, after leaving my home and partner of almost 7 years I just couldn't sit down for this ritual.  But a few months later, I wrote myself a card.  It's better to be a little late and just come back in with love and compassion for your future self.  I knew I would really need it.

On an emotional note, sometimes these letters can be really tender.  A lot can happen in a year.  Sometimes there were so many leaps and strides to celebrate.  Other times the shock of how much had changed was a little painful.  What I want to offer you here is the idea that these letters don't have to be perfect and they certainly don't always need to be happy.  As the years go by and the letters collect, the things that stand out for me is that change is constant, life is rich and all of it is beautiful.  All of it is worth honouring, all of it is worth celebrating.

So be kind to yourself, and let love be your motivation.  

 

Radical, Creative and Sacred.  Make this Yours.

When I found the name for my business, Radical Creative Sanctuary, I envisioned a metaphorical studio space where you could come with your own expressive style to explore your own beautiful life in your own beautiful way.  Part sanctuary, part art studio, part club house for free thinking hearts and minds.  

This is my Birthday Letter ritual which I invite you to adopt, adapt or reinvent.  Maybe you want to write New Year Letters?  Winter Solstace Letters?  Maybe you don't want to use words at all...perhaps a drawing or a piece of intuitive music recorded into your phone.  See what inspired you about this idea and what would make this ritual even more you.

Calling in Heartbroken: how to get the support you desire when going through a breakup

The Beautiful Breakup Series Continues...

The Friendliest Phone by Danette Relic

I believe that we are all doing the best we can.  This includes the heartbroken, and the well-meaning friends who say all the wrong things to their heartbroken companions.  At the end of the day, we are people who want to connect and are fumbling through the beauty of being human.  This is a post about how to make that connection a little easier to come by.

Support is crucial during a breakup.  Your partner is no longer, you've lost your lover and likely your best friend all in one shot. So not only is your heart going through the ringer, the number one person you would go to for support is the same person you are currently having a period of zero contact with.  

This is tough.   

Friends mean well, but chances are they won't be able to give you what you want unless (drum roll to the obvious...) you tell them what you want. We are not mind readers, we are human beings doing the best we can with what we've got, right?

It's time to be vulnerable. This is how you can take the best care of yourself. Being vulnerable is a challenge for most of us on a regular day; in times like this, it may seem overwhelming.  Here is something you should know:

People love to be needed. People love to feel useful. People love to know that they have contributed and made a difference, especially in the lives of those they care about most.

This comes up over and over, with my coaching clients, with the Tantra students I assist, with my dear friends and colleagues, with myself. It seems that most of us want to give. When you let someone know exactly how they can help, you give them the gift of feeling useful and making a difference. We all want to have an impact. But we can't do this unless we take turns receiving.  

Sometimes, we need to be that impact.

Chances are, your friends really want to help you but don't know how.  

 

Help Your Friends Help You.  

First, ask yourself what you need from your friends. Things change quite a bit from day to day in the early weeks of heartbreak. Good news is, you don't have to wait to have all the answers to ask for support.

Let me help you get started. Articulating our needs can be a challenge, especially if we tend to resist asking for help.  

When I'm going through a breakup, I need my inner circle to know what I'm going through. I need them to understand that there will be a period of time where I may be emotionally sporadic: grieving, exhilarated, paralized, wailing. angry or just fine on any given day. I need them to know that I may not have much to give. I need permission to go through this time without worrying about keeping up with social etiquette.  I need to take all this pressure of myself and focus on healing and self care, however that shows up.

I need them to know that I love them, and am grateful for them, even if I might be absent for a while.  I need them to be the one thing that isn't under overhaul.  I need them to be my shore.

Here are some of the things I ask for when I am in the early stages of heartbreak:

• patience and understanding that this transition will likely be a bit of a journey for me
• permission to be a different kind of mess each day
• relief in knowing I don't have to return calls or emails on time, or at all
• a get-out-of-social-events-free card, no questions asked
• acknowledgement and compassion
• a shoulder to cry on (or an anwering machine to cry into -- surprisingly theraputic)
• a non-judgemental space to rant, change my mind, indulge and withdraw
• the gift of not hearing anyone speak badly of my now ex, even if I do sometimes
• notes to let me know I'm being thought of, with no obligation for me to respond  

 How do I ask for these things?  A simple email.  Here is one you can have, if you like this idea but just can't muster up an email at the moment.  Feel free to take this one, and make adjustments as you see fit:

Dearest (one or more special recipients),

I am sending this email to only my closest circle of friends.  For those of you who don't already know, Lesson-From-the-Universe-#Whatever and I broke up last night.  As you can imagine, I'm heartbroken, confused and having a really hard time.

I want you to know that for the next while, I'll be going through a lot.  I may not be responsive online or over the phone.  I may not be able to be there for you the way I usually am.  I'm going to need your support and understanding for the next while, not sure exactly what that looks like right now, but I will let you know.

I want to thank you for being the kinds of friends I can trust to send such a vulnerable email like this to.  I am very grateful for your friendship.  It helps so much just to know that you know what is going on, and are possibly sending me warm thoughts and love as I move through this.

I'm not ready to talk about it or tell the story just yet, but I would love any emails sending love or letting me know you are there.  That's all.

Your heartbroken friend,

(You)

This is something close to what I would send.  But consider your own needs.  Do you want company?  Do you want lots of phonecalls?  Feel free to play with this idea.  Perhaps what you might want to ask for is permission to be a little needy for a while.  

 

That Sensitive Subject: Self

Funny, I look at this list and a little scratchy voice in me whispers geez...this sounds so selfish.  I can see in me too, the resistance to ask for support from people who love me.  I find it helpful to put someone else in my shoes for a moment, and visualize one of my dear friends coming to me so courageously, asking me for any of the things on this list.  I would happily give them the support they need, no questions asked.  In fact, I would feel honoured that they trust me enough to make such a vulnerable request.

It's not easy, but I try to remember this when it's my turn to ask for support.  If it helps you, imagine someone dear to you making this request from a place of gratitude and vulnerability.  Kinda makes your heart swell, huh?

 

Vacation Reply Settings are Not Just for Vacations

For those who don't get the personalized request for support, there is the wonderful gift of Vacation Reply Settings on your email account.  If you get overwhelmed the way I do, use this to your advantage.  

Something simple such as,

Hey there, thanks for writing.  I am away from my computer at the moment due to a personal emergency and may be slow returning your email.  I appreciate your understanding.  Sincerely, Heartbroken

That will do.

 

Worth the Risk of Being Vulnerable

Setting up support and asking for help is a big part of self-care.  It takes courage, and it's so worth it. Receiving help from friends brings you closer together. Sharing hard times like these shows the people you love that you trust them; chances are they will be more likely to come to you when they need a friend to help them through a tough time.  Don't be shy.  Remember, you are not alone in this.

Let's take care of eachother.

 

Up Next in the Beautiful Breakup Series: A Quick-Tip post you can forward to your friends about the most common (well meaning) mistakes we make when we hear someone has gone through a breakup.

Also, If you know someone who is going through a breakup and might like to find solace in this series, please share.  You can find the first post introducing the Beautiful Breakup Series right here.

 

 

Poison in the Wound: Why a Period of Zero Contact is Crucial to the Healing of your Heart

The Beautiful Breakup Series Continues...

"Protecting the Wound" watercolour pencils and dry pastel on paper, by Danette Relic

 

Your Bleeding Heart

When I think of what a broken heart sounds like, my mind imagines a clean crack and the shattering of glass on concrete.  But my body remembers it differently: a deafening silence.  Nothing but the sensation of a gaping wet wound that stings and sends sharp pain throughout my whole body everytime I try to breathe.  Broken hearts can be messy. 

I will be exploring the healing value of feeling your emotions in another post.  Right now, as you stumble from the wreckage of your breakup with a big wet wound in your heart, right now, the focus is on protecting the wound.  That's it.  Cover it up.  Get that wound clean and safe.  This is the first priority.

Protect your wound.

Your body has amazing powers to heal itself.  In fact, often it's not that our body is having trouble healing, it's that we are interfering with it's natural ability to heal.  We do this by not giving it the rest and nourishment it needs.  We are really like plants, given the right conditions we thrive.  

So for the love of Love, don't leave your wound hanging out there in the wind.  Don't poke at it with sharp objects.  Don't let other people who say they know what they are doing stick their fingers in there and start digging around.  Don't pull your wound apart.  

Protect your wound.

This is the time to hibernate, not operate.  Your heart is going through a lot right now.  It wants to heal, that's what hearts do.  Please let it.

 

What's the Worst Thing That Could Happen?

If you don't protect a wound all kinds of awful things can happen.  It can get infected, and then you have an entirely new problem with new symptoms to deal with.  Complications can occur when wounds are not properly protected while healing.  Some little bit of dirt can get in there and become a poison to the chemistry of your heartbreak.  I'm not one to go on and on about worst case scenarios, but I urge you to think of this wound as you would any other serious wound.  I know you wouldn't get on a public bus, roll around in a park and try on other people's wigs with your head split open for weeks on end.  Don't do this with your heart.

Protect your wound.

 

How Do You Protect a Broken Heart?

Off to the isolation chamber!

No, it's not as scary as that.  It's a special kind of chamber, where your closest friends are gathered to listen to you and distract you and remind you that you are not alone.  In that chamber you get to redecorate your home, get a haircut, dream in new directions, cry your eyes out, sleep, focus on work, cry your eyes out, take bellydancing lessons, set up a dating profile, cry your eyes out.  Whatever you want to do.

Let's call it a protection chamber.  

 

Words of Wisdom from a Heartbreak Black Belt

I have done the heartbreak thing many times.  I have done this, because I have loved many times.  I love fiercly, deeply, fully.  I am proud of this.  And the "cost of admission" as Dan Savage would say, to a life filled with deep and fierce love is the willingness to risk heartbreak of equally deep and fierce proportions. So I am speaking from personal experience.  

 

First of all, how long in the chamber?

At least two months.  I don't have a scientific reason, I just know that one month is never enough.  It might feel like it's enough, but it's a bit like chicken that looks great but is not cooked all the way through -- you don't want to risk it.  Two months is a spacious yet manageable time period.  Two months gives plenty of time for emotions to settle, for patterns to shift and for the unexpected wonderfullness to come in and surprise you.  If you want more time, take it.  You get to choose.  Oh, and another important point...

This is not a negotiation.

Your ex might not be happy about a Zero-Contact period.  That's too bad.  You are no longer a team, so this is not a joint decision.  This is you making the choice to make your heart healing a priority.  In fact, the more your ex wants to have a say in how you heal your heart, the more important it is to take space.  Remember the mantra, Protect your wound.

 

What Does Zero-Contact Mean?

Because I'm a bit of a heartbreak pro, I have a pretty clear and tight list of things this means for me.  My definition of Zero Contact is basically the removal of anything that may stimulate or reaffirm your connection to your ex.  It might sound extreme, but just like Buckley's cough syrop, it works.

Zero Contact According to Danette:

• accept that all future plans and promises are null and void.  You've got concert tickets intended for her?  Take someone else.  You already rsvp'd that he would be your date for the wedding?  The bride and groom will understand.  You are not obligated to keep any of these promises.  Your calendar for the next two months has been wiped clean.
• no physical contact.  I shouldn't have to specify but of course this means no sex, no cuddling, no friendly hugs.  In fact, this means no hanging out, not even in the same room.  If you know that your ex might be at a social function, avoid that function.  It's not forever, it's just two months. 
• no direct communication. This includes email, phone, text, any other form of messaging, snow angels in their backyard, postcards, gifts, etc.  This also includes emails that pretend to be about supposedly innocent things, taking care of business, dropping things off, picking things up, etc.
• no indirect communication. You know, our sad little hearts want to connect so badly, and they will find sneaky ways to slip messages through.  Just pay attention when speaking to mutual friends that you are not trying to give and recieve information through them.  Your friends are not carrier pigeons.  Speaking of indirect communication...
• no Facebook.  This is a point all on it's own.  Don't just hide your ex in the feed, block them.  You don't want to secretly be sending messages to them in your thinly veiled status updates, you don't want to see their photo popping up on the side of the screen, you don't want to know that they were up at 3am last night, you don't want to wonder who those 8 new friends are you don't recognize.  You can always unblock and become friends again later, should you two actually become friends.  Friends, as in, people whom you can be sincerely happy for when they are out until 3am with hot people you don't recognize.  If you are following them on other social media sites as well, take a break.
• no sensual reminders.  Get a box.  Go over your home and put anything in that box that is a direct reminder of how sad this is.  It could be gifts, photographs, letters, items of clothing, things with their handwriting on it.  Anything that makes you feel lost when you look at it.  You don't have to make big decisions about what to do with this stuff, and I'm not suggesting you throw out valuable things.  This is just to hide them from view, during the two months that you are protecting your wound.  Just fill the box, and tuck it away where you won't see it.  Give your body the space it needs to detach. 

Take a deep breath.  You can do this.  

 

Remember Why You are Doing This

Think longterm.  You are doing this for love.  You are doing this for the future of your heart.  This space is a clearing for your ability to love again and not repeat past patterns wrapped up in unresolved gunk from previous loves.  

This is a responsible and courageous stand for healing.

This is an act of trust.

And, as strange as it feels right now, it will hugely increase your chances of actually becoming friends with your ex, if that is something you hope to do.  I speak again from experience.  It takes time and courage to cultivate such friendships, and many people simply choose to close things off once the romance comes to an end.  However, if you both want to work at it, friendship after the breakup is not only possible, it's quite beautiful.  

Colin and Steve, I cherish you both.  Even though I know you never read my blog.  I think you are both amazing human beings.  

Something I found wonderfully helpful was this heart filled and humourous post about how to make your breakup suck harder by Stephanie St.Claire.  Excellent top ten list to keep handy.  

You're going to be okay.  Taking this space is such a challenging and loving thing to do for yourself.  Focus all that love inward.  Protect your wound.

 

Next in the Beautiful Breakup series: How to get the support you need while tending to your broken heart.

 

 

Introducing the Beautiful Breakup Series

 

 

Hello, Heartbroken.

I am sorry that you find yourself here, reading a blog post about breakups.  It's not the kind of topic that people love to read, and certainly not a topic people seek out -- unless a romantic relationship is in some form of collapse.  I have been there, many times.  I'm sorry you are here too.

Breakups, divorce, heartbreak and loss.  They can be core shaking.  Excruciating.  It's true.

For starters, I want to say this too shall pass.  It will, as everything does.  Joyful times and sorrowful times, they all pass eventually.  Know that time will carry this pain away; bit by bit, little angry box after little angry box.  

In the meantime: Heartbreak.  If popular song tells us anything, it's that falling in love and having your heart broken are universal.  You are not alone. This world is full of love songs and songs about losing love.  

 

We are connected by the shared experience of being unique individuals.  Our heartbreaks are no different; no two are the same

Just as each human being is an individual, your breakup too is specific to the lives and chemistry that made up the relationship in the first place.  We may experience grief from having many loved ones die over our lifetime, but the grief we experience with each death is specific to the beauty of each particular individual.  Each life is it's own, each death is it's own, and each breakup is it's own, no matter how common these experiences are to life on earth.  The sorrow is often in those little details that make each story sparkle with it's own particular beauty.

What I'm saying is, your heartbreak is special.  And another thing...

 

This is not a failure

Some people might say that if your relationship has ended that it has failed.  I want to offer the perspective that sometimes, having a successful relationship means you recognized when it had served its spiritual purpose and had the courage to walk away before it became a poison.  

We do some of our deepest learning in relationship to one another.  Our intimate romantic partnerships, in whatever form we choose them, they are the boot-camp of the heart.  They are our most powerful mirrors. Sometimes when they come crashing down, we feel shattered and lost.  Like our lives have fallen to little pieces, and we don't recognize ourselves.  It can be so frightening.

This is the moment right after the storm has hit.  This is the moment of shock.

 

Crash

Breakups are like hurricanes that rip through your heart and leave you in an unbearable absence of life as you knew it.  Even if you saw it coming, the shock of surviving the hurricane is core shattering.  But here's the thing: if you are here to feel the shock and the pain, it means you have survived.  You're alive.  

If your heart is broken it means you have loved.  It means your heart works.

This may seem like a really crappy consolation prize at the moment, but it means you are courageous enough to live life to the fullest.  Courage comes from the latin word cor, which means heart.  You have a brave heart.  With a brave heart, you can get through anything.

 

Taking in the Landscape of Loss 

In the very first moments after the hurricane has hit, you don't even know what you have lost yet.  You can only see that everything has changed and there is a mighty big clean up that needs to happen.  The kind of clean up that could take a long time.  You are exposed.  

"She said losing love is like a window in your heart.  Everybody sees you're blown apart.  Everybody sees the wind blow" ~Paul Simon

You don't know where to turn.  You don't know what to do.

All you have to do is breathe.  You don't have to turn.  You don't have to do anything.  Trust me, this moment will pass.  Just breathe.  It stings, and it hurts like hell, but just breathe.  Feel your heart that continues to beat.  You are still here.  Breathe.

 

You are Here

Okay, so you are here, reading this blog post about Beautiful Breakups.  This is something.  Even if it is with great cynicism and reluctance, you are here, reading about recovery.  Even if you are reading this and getting annoyed, you are here.  You are seeking.

I'll tell you what inspired this blog series.  I was in shock from my own heart hurricane and with wet eyes I scanned the books in my local library for a book that would be a life preserver for the long dark evening ahead.  All the books I found were hot pink, or telling me how to "get over" my ex, telling me what kind of girl I shouldn't be, sassing up my heartbreak in bullet points of hot tips.

But the man I loved wasn't some jerk I needed to "kick to the curb".  I am an emotionally intelligent woman with a lifetime of deep water loving under her belt.  I date really amazing people.  I know these kinds of books can be fun and even useful sometimes, but this was not the space I was in.  I wanted to find the words that respected me and my choice to love.  I wanted to curl up with reassurance and perspective that honoured the emotional transformation that occurs in heartbreak while giving me a structure I could hold onto to heal as efficiently and holistically as possible.

So it is with the spirit of recognizing that my readers are also emotionally intelligent lovers that I write these posts.  If you know someone who you think might connect with these posts right now, please share.  I believe that the universe only sends us challenges when we are ready to meet them.  You may be stronger than you think.  Breakups are amazingly transformative times.  

I hope this series brings you comfort, insight, and maybe even a few unexpected smiles.

With heart,

Danette

Smarty Pants Ghosts from Journals Past: taking notes from your clever former self

This is a post for those who write (or used to write) in a journal, on napkins or whatever was available.  This is for those who tap laptops or scribble with uni-ball pens in cafes.  This is for you who pour your heart out, make lists, doodle the questions that poke at your throat.  

Do you still have those old journals/pages/files somewhere?

I've been packing up to move.  Again.  It has been one crash course after another in heartbreak and upheaval for the past two years.  I dare not guess when the course is over.  What I do instead of guessing is listen to my heart, love myself with grace and ask questions about what life is trying to teach me through all this.

Sometimes the lessons of life seem familiar, and I have to wonder, haven't I already taken this course?

What is in this new edition that I missed the first time around?

 

The Textbook of Your Heart

Your old journals.  These are gold.

Sure, it might be embarrassing to read some.  Whoo boy. 

One thing I notice when I look through old journals is how wise I was, even back then.  Even when I was in love with that silly bass player, making all kinds of bad choices.  Even then, there was wisdom.  

I was in search for some guidance this week and I took a particular purple journal for a coffee date.  I didn't know what I was going to do with it, maybe leaf through it while crying (the folks at this cafe have seen me cry before) but something strangely studious came over me.

I started taking notes.

And fast, like I was cramming for a test and only had an hour to pick up all the important points.

Something about the speed of it all, about not wallowing on every page, gave me an unexpected boost.  There was an aliveness to this energy that was very powerful for me.  I want to share this process with you, my kindred journal keepers, and offer you one more wonderful tool to access your inner wisdom.

 

Inner Wisdom Note Taking 101

• Choose an old journal.  Don't worry about which one.  Use your intuition and curiosity.  Let the journal come to you.  There is no getting it wrong.
• Take your old journal and new journal on a date together.  I like to get out of the house and write in cafes, but that's just me.  The important part is that you give yourself some time to travel through your precious pages and let your intuition speak, uninterrupted.
• Take notes. Treat your old journal like a text you need to take notes from.  Skim through it and when something jumps out at you, when something feels like it might be significant, trust that feeling and jot it down in your new journal.  Don't question your intuition, or your wisdom.  This is all for you.
• Play around.  You might see recipies you forgot about, poems you want to keep, a little doodle that makes you smile.  Wisdom isn't always so serious you know (wink wink).  Gather any and all treasures that get your attention.

Creative Tip: Use your camera!

I had my iphone with me in the cafe where I cried and took furious notes from my purple journal.  Having a camera available was so wonderful for capturing a page that had imagery on it, or pages where the handwriting and spaces left blank said just as much as a full page of text.  I took notes, and I also took photographs with my phone.  

Try taking photos of your pages in different light, near your coffee cup or with your fingers showing as they press the pages apart.  These little images of your journal are also little intimate self portraits.  

Wise and beautiful you.

 

One More Thing: Look Back with Love

This is a great opportunity to practice self-love, looking at old journals.

I say this because sometimes, it's challenging to look back at parts of ourselves we don't like, or to read about goals we set that we let slip away.  Sometimes it seems like we have not really learned anything, as we read our former selves struggle with the same questions we do today.

I say, look at that younger you with compassion.  Admire your commitment to asking the same question for years.  Clearly that question is part of why you are here, and what you are here to do.

See the wisdom.  See the sweetness, the courage and the wit.  

It is through loving eyes that I invite you to harvest from your past.  Not judgement. Not harshness.  Don't be mean.  This is tender stuff.

Oh my gosh you wrote in a journal and kept it!  Do you know how many people have never done that?  I keep forgetting, because writing in a journal has been such a life support for me that it's hard to imagine not doing it.  But it's true, many many people never give themselves that time and attention.

But you did.

If you got all the way down here and you happen to be one of those people who have always wanted to write in a journal but never did..well, you know what I'm going to say, right?

Pick up a pen.

Or open a file on your computer, phone, whatever.

All you have to do is write one word. Your word for right now. There is no way to do it wrong.

Let yourself take up space with words.  Let that wisdom trickle on out.

Careful though, this can be addictive.  You might not be able to stop.  You just might start writing. 

Then who knows what might happen?

 

 

 

I Love Colouring Books!

I do.  Oh I do.

I had many colouring books as a kid.  My favourite ones had thicker black lines and large spaces to fill.  Wispy detailed drawings seemed much less satisfying to colour, especially if your crayons were kinda dull, or broken.  As a young colouring book consumer, this was something I was quite concerned about.

I had forgotten about colouring books as I got older and began to draw my own pictures.  Certainly while painting a body of work for an exhibit, it seemed silly to think about buying a colouring book.  Silly artist, colouring books are for kids.

Nuh-uh!

 

The Colouring Book Boomerang

One Christmas my mother picked up a couple of holiday colouring books to entertain some young cousins who were coming to visit.  I thought it was such a good idea, and I sat with them to help colour and get in some good family bonding time with my little cousins who I rarely see.  Sure enough, they lost interest pretty quick and I was a woman obsessed.

Secretly THRILLED that they didn't want to take the colouring books home with them, I took them.  And with a fresh box of crayons I sat for hours upon hours filling in little Santas, elves and gifts with giant bows.  It was so nice to colour at the coffee table while watching a movie, or just to have there during a favourite show so I could colour during the commercial breaks.

Since then, I always have a colouring book on hand.

 

My Grown Up Version of Colouring

Though I do enjoy the smell of crayons, I'm finding that pencil crayons are my new medium for colouring.  They offer a lot more control over the shading and detail, because of how they can be sharpened.  Well, and I just happened to have a whole lot of pencil crayons.  They travel well.  It's a good, cheap, clean and effective tool.  Especially if you are going to take them into a cafe or something.  Which I do.

And it goes without saying that you can colour outside of the lines, right?  Colour the sky purple, colour the apples blue.  Break all the rules and have fun with making the colouring book yours.  One of the great things about colouring books is that they are inexpensive and really, low pressure.  If you get Blank-Canvasobia (fear of "ruining" a blank canvas or new fancy journal, etc.) colouring books are a nice way to unwind and take the pressure off.  Just let yourself play.

 

Sharing the Fun

I wondered if I was the only adult who was still loving colouring books, and then I saw some modern books that were clearly marketed to people over the age of 10, so that was a good sign.  Colouring is fun, but it's also nice to be colouring in imagery that I connect with in a different way than say, My Little Pony and Hello Kittty.  I am enjoying my Hello Kitty colouring book, don't get me wrong.  It's just that sometimes, more is more.  And I want more and more yummy colouring books.

I imagine the kinds of things I would really love to colour...

How the lines would look...

So, of course I am making my own colouring book!  I am really excited about it.  This project is in the early stages, but it's on its way.  I can't wait to be able to share it with you.

In the meantime, if you are feeling a little wistful reading this...go do it!  Find a colouring book that tickles your spirit and if you don't already have some, pick up some crayons or pencil crayons.  I would love to see which book you choose, and even see your coloured masterpieces!  Email me anytime for a little show and tell.  I would love to hear from you.

 

Love Letter to my Garden

 
Saying Goodbye and Saying I Love You All at Once

 My dear friend and Art Picnic sister, Chris Kay Fraser of Firefly Creative Writing did something so beautiful this past fall.  She began an inspired campaign called "Love Letters Aren't Just for Lovers" and boy did she stir up oceans of love that are still booming and blooming all over the place! 

I'll let you read more about that on her delightful site.  And if this idea of writing love letters in your own beautiful way, to anyone or anything you feel moved by, she has a really fantastic Love Letter e-class that will really grow your heart. 

This is a letter I wrote for my garden.  I wrote it in one of Chris's Love Letter writing workshops this past November and had the honour reading it at a truly beautiful event she created this past Sunday where winners of her Love Letter contest could share their words with people who wanted to witness this expression of love.  I wasn't one of the winners, but somehow I ended up there.  And it was such a lovely experience.  The room was full and warm, with so many soft eyes and open hearts.  Sharing my letter felt really good, and I thought I would share it with you too.

 

Love Letter to My Garden by Danette Relic

I hope you don’t doubt how real it all was for me. I know how it might have looked.

The day we first met I came running out of the house pulling off my protective goggles and rubber mask like they were jellyfish sucking the air from my face. I was coughed onto the porch, all sweat and plaster dust. I darted down the steps and crouched behind the three-ton red metal waste bin that sank into our front lawn. Inside the house, my friends were on ladders, swinging crow-bars and pawing against crumbling plaster with work gloves, clearing the empty shell that he and I would make into our dream home. It was so big. I was hiding. That was where I found you.

The future is too big to look at all at once. Maps of the life we were planning were rolling out along the interior walls like red carpets, reaching forever upwards. My whole life was getting so much bigger I couldn't see it anymore. I needed something small, something I could touch, a tiny place that held nothing but one breath.

My hands touched down to catch my balance and there. There you were. The first attractive stranger in the path of my drunken entrance. I used you. I began to dig, to put my hands in you and turn you over. Not because I saw you and thought you were special, but because it made me look busy. I was surprised how good you felt between my fingers.

It's funny how behavior that would otherwise be remorseful becomes romantic—so long as everything works out. The sweet, greasy smell of warm samosas floated down from Gerrard Street and I just crawled right to you without thinking and curled into your bed. What you must have thought I'll never know.

You were so little; just a strip of a stranger’s abandoned idea. Vulnerable. It could have been a disaster with us. It was my first time. The most excited I had ever been to go to a garden center was when I was 12; I got to dress as a clown waving cars in off highway 7 for the grand opening of Glen Echo Nurseries. I know, you probably wish I hadn't told you that. I know I was rough. I ploughed through you, yanking out things I probably shouldn't have, over-nurturing things you’d likely been trying to get rid of for years. You let me. No matter what I did, you let me. You’d leave gentle reminders of your needs at my feet like smooth stones. You trusted me, even when it was clear I knew nothing, and you flirted with me when I wondered if I was in this relationship alone. And then more and more, you flourished under me.

The house began to fill, and as he turned our plans into door frames and cozy places to play parcheesi, you filled too. You and I spent more and more time looking at one another. You got cheeky. I loved the day when you surprised me with that crazy weed that blasted four feet into the air, a startled arrival, like a boner in church. You almost had me fooled with that one; surely something so confident couldn't have been in the wrong place. You had such a sense of humour. And there I was, proud as a parent, hovering with my camera every time your snow drops peeped up to meet the spring.

Nights with you were blue and luscious. The soundtrack of my neighborhood faded out, the neighbors and their babies left the sidewalk. The moon liked to watch us. We let her. I held my long necked green watering can from Lee Valley and I poured liquid over you like soft summer showers. I like to think it was in these moments you felt how much I adored you.

You do know how much I adored you, don’t you?

I couldn't look at you once I knew I was going to leave him. Him. The house. You. How could I have explained it? Just that what goes on inside isn’t always the same as what goes on outside. Not everything was taking root. Not everything was blossoming.

It ached me to walk up the porch steps and keep my gaze on the door. In the corner of my eye, I saw the weeds run over you as autumn whispered through the streets and your face turned to me in longing, wanting me to tuck you in. It broke my heart to let you go that way. My own blood stirred in your soil. He said I could dig up anything I wanted to take with me; the tulip bulbs Marijke brought me from Holland, the glorious ground covers I had finally cultivated into waves. How cruel would that have been, to butcher you before leaving.

With cruelty or with tenderness, I just couldn't bring myself to touch you at all. There is nothing worse than bleeding through one last evening.

All winter, in my tiny apartment across town, I made smooth white sculptures the size of almonds. Grief dolls. One after another. They were like prayer beads I rolled between my fingers as my world collapsed around me the way the plaster walls of my house once had. I dug my fingers into clay, focused my eyes on the shapes that appeared between my palms, small as a single breath. This time it was the emptiness of the future that was too big to see.

The following spring, I made my final trip down those porch steps with the last of my things and I brought one of those grief dolls to you. I put my hands in you and burrowed a little home for her, the way I had for so many seeds and bulbs and bundles of roots in the years we shared together.

Not that I needed to. You do know. You know that I carry you with me deeper than I could plant anything. I imagine you are laughing at me as you read this. Right from the moment we met, you have understood me. In tending to you, I slipped beautifully into the infinite functions of love. In loving you still, I am brushed with occasional glimpses of god.

Self Love: Precious Beginnings

 

The early stages of life are super precious.  Be it a plant, a person or a painting...any new creation begins with a necessary season of preciousness; a period of time where it is merely a whisper, checking to see if it is safe to come out and play. So many things don't make it into this world the first time they knock on the door.

I know that when a creative dream is just poking through the surface of consciousness it can feel so tender.  Sometimes it feels like speaking about it too soon might scare it away. 

While sharing your dreams is a powerful way of claiming of them, keeping them safe in their infancy is also a way to honour their preciousness. Protecting your dreams in the season of preciousness is trusting that they are building the strength they will require to survive and thrive. 

Guess what? These seasons of preciousness aren't limited to creative output.  I see this same season of preciousness that applies to plants and projects show up when something inside us is about to shift.  Like when your inner voice is calling for you to take a stand, slow down, get ready to love in a new way. That tender time where something new is being born in you, a new direction needs to be born, and it has yet to take root. 

These shifts are also creative acts.  We are creating the shapes of our lives by being receptive to these calls.

I am experiencing a season of preciousness right now.  I recognize this season often in the lives of my clients.   So many people are drawn to coaching when that voice in them starts to nudge against the comfort of what they have always known in search of something that feels more true to who they are becoming.  I'm also seeing it in the lives of my friends.  It feels like the air is plump with the ocean, just waiting for the moment to crack open and pour a healing rain over the landscapes of our lives.

So my friends, this is just a note to say be gentle with your precious selves.  Trust that you will know when the right time to share is.  And if you recognize a precious beginning is in the works, even if you don't yet know what this is the beginning of, it's okay to protect it and love yourself with patience. 

My Full Harvest Moon Dreamboard: Looking at Luxury

 
Luxury is Stretching the Realm of What is Possible

How I love this practice, of creating a Dreamboard every full moon. I love all kinds of rituals and practices that do a little nudge and groove with the sisters of nature.  It brings me the feeling of connection, to nature's rhythms, to my own nature, and to all of you who also share this practice. 

I know the power of this practice.  Even though I know it, even though I've seen it over and over again, I'm still in awe of how magical it seems.  I feel like a child watching an adult do something simple and silly and I'm clapping and shouting Again! Again! with glee.

Dreamboards have such a playful way of pulling out what is calling us, what we are longing for, what our hearts are not quite ready to put into words.  It's fun to notice what shows up in your Dreamboard again and again (colours, symbols, words, textures) and then to be curious and surprised when something new arrives.

I'm noticing that the invitation for luxury has me dreaming in two directions; opening up space for the words at the heart of any good improvisation: "yes, and".  Instead of seeing a fork in the road, I'm stretching out the landscape and welcoming harmony between the roots of a beautiful home and the wild wings of travel.

And of course, what Dreamboard of mine would be complete without an extreme close-up of something super sensual (oooh that yarn! Those pink flowers made of icing!) and a little creative kick-ass role model, this time in the shape of Miranda July?  Also making regular appearances in my Dreamboard this year are images of Italy, sun bathed work spaces and bodies of water.  Maybe that is why I made fettuccini with freshly grated romano cheese and had a bubble bath tonight...not that you ever need a reason! :)

Sending you luxurious dreams and a delightful sleep under the full moon.