The Beautiful Breakup Series Continues...
This is a post for the friends and loved ones of the newly heartbroken.
Hello there! Welcome to the Beautiful Breakup Series. Maybe someone forwarded this to you as a shy way of letting you know they are feeling vulnerable right now and need your support. It's so wonderful that you want to have their back during this hard time, way to go on being a good friend!
I know you have good intentions and it sucks to see your dear friend so shaken and sad. You just want them to be happy, I know. And oh my god that bonehead they were dating....I'm sure you have some things you'd love to get off your chest now that they are no longer together!
But wait! Just wait. Read this post first.
I want to kindly help you direct your good intentions into compassionate action. You might be shooting out love bombs only to have them spread more damage than love.
Here are some common well-intended offerings that might be a little explosive, as well as some alternative ideas that might get your message of support through with much more bang for your bomb (in a good way).
1.You Look so Skinny in that Breakup!
This is number one, because it is the one that gets me most riled up. I'm going to say to you what I wanted to say to the loved ones who gushed at how hot I looked after a breakup. I know, they meant well. And maybe, I did look hot. But I really wished that they had taken a moment to consider the context, and the impact of this well meaning statement.
Side Note: I could, and maybe will eventually, write a whole series about body image and weight. Goodness knows I have plenty of material. How the question "have you lost weight?" is considered an acceptable compliment is a blog post on it's own. I get that this is a loaded topic. I am going to speak from my own experience, specifically in regards to the weight that sometimes falls off right *after* a breakup.
So, your friend is newly heartbroken. Their relationship has fallen apart. You see your friend, and notice they are clearly a few sizes smaller than they were just a few weeks ago.
When weight falls off fast and in obvious quantities in the context of a breakup, it is most likely a sign that they have been depressed and are not eating well. This *might* not be the area you want to zoom in and compliment them on.
It's a little like noticing someone has lost a lot of weight with a terrible illness, and telling them that they look so great with their jeans hanging off them like that.
I kindly ask you to think about this one.
Even if your friend might enjoy the compliment, I'm going to be bold and suggest that you resist it. Because it's likely that this weight will come back, once they have pulled themselves off the floor and regain their appetite. As someone who has been on the receiving end of this well-intended statement (several times) I can tell you that when the weight comes back, the impact was that I felt pretty crappy, because I had been told repeatedly (with the best of intentions) how my emaciated state was an improvement to my appearance.
Really, I know it shouldn't matter what people think about my body. But in the already tender state of healing a broken heart, I certainly didn't need to know that many people close to me found me more attractive when I was too wrecked to remember to eat, sleeping three hours a night and wasting days away in front of a computer screen smoking and crying. Just saying.
Compassionate Alternatives: Are you remembering to eat? Can I take you out for dinner? Wow, I can see that you are being so strong right now. I admire your courage.
2. I Never Liked That Loser You Were Dating/Married to
Okay, no one has actually said those words to me but I have had a surprising amount of loved ones "come out" with some not so complimentary observations about my ex's, about how my relationship was perceived and how they secretly didn't approve on some level or another. Again, all of these things were said to me with the best of intentions.
You may mean well and want to say you are happy for them to be rid of this person you didn't like, but remember: they chose to spend a significant part of their lives with this person. You can't simply insult the ex without insulting the choices and taste of your heartbroken friend. This is a significant chapter shaping the love story of their lives. This is tender matter, and the truth is you don't really know everything that happened behind closed doors.
Most importantly, your heartbroken friend doesn't need to be put in the position of defending their choice to invest in this relationship, or explaining the beauty of their ex that you don't really understand.
Of course it's complicated.
So to be safe, just ask yourself this: Is what I'm about to say going to help my friend feel comfortable, accepted and loved by me?
This isn't about judging the relationship, or the ex. This is about acknowledging the loss, regardless of whether or not you enjoyed dinner dates with them as a couple. This isn't about you.
Compassionate Alternatives: It must be really hard to let go of the good times as well as the bad. It's okay to miss your ex, even if you know breaking up is the right thing. It's okay if you want to vent about your ex, I know that you loved them and that you are going through a lot of pain right now.
3. You'll Find Someone Better (and other forms of "Onwards and Upwards")
Of course you want them to be happy! And it would be so nice to just skip past all this ugly-snotty crying, hop on over to where the grass is greener and get right back into the swing of things. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to see your heartbroken friend out dancing, reinventing, enjoying their newfound freedoms and maybe even going on a blind date with that co-worker of yours who would be *so* perfect!
Hold on.
That time will come. But right now is the time where they need to feel the pain of this loss. Right now is a messy time. It is actually incredibly important that your friend have space to feel all the pain, release all the grief, and really heal this heart from the inside out. Only they know the rhythm of their emotions on this one. Only they will know when it is time to "cheer up."
You can't tell someone to "get over it". No matter how much it pains you to see them sad, know that giving them space to be sad is such a nourishing gift.
Only they can know when they have arrived there. And it's different for everyone.
The good news is that there is nothing you need to do here, just relax. Hang back and let your heartbroken friend lead. Sometimes heartbroken friends don't reach out for support because they feel the need to put on a happy face for their loved ones who (again, with the best of intentions) are worried about them and just want to see them happy again.
If you want to be the kind of friend your heartbroken loved one can reach out to, let them know that however they show up is okay.
Compassionate Alternatives: When you are ready to go out dancing and letting loose, just let me know. You don't have to pretend for me. It's okay to be sad for as long as you need to. I'm here for you no matter how you feel, and no matter how long it takes. You're going to be okay, but you don't have to be okay today. Not for me.
Thank you so much for reading this all the way through! That tells me you are interested in being a good friend, which is one of the most wonderful things you can be. I am so overwhelmingly grateful for the amazing friends I have who have been there for me during some really dark days.
In addition to *not* saying the 3 things I've listed above, I would like to invite you to consider the simple powers of Acknowledgement and Acceptance when being that awesome friend that you are:
Acknowledgement and Acceptance
- Acknowledge Your Friend: acknowledge that this sucks, that you care and that you see their pain.
- Acknowledge Your Self: to your heartbroken friend, acknowledge that you want to be there, that you don't know how and that you would love suggestions on how you can best support them.
- Accept Your Friend: accept their sorrow, their mood swings and the feelings you don't understand. You don't need to understand them; just let them be, and let that be okay.
- Accept Your Self: accept that you can't make it all better and you don't have a magic wand to fix it. And that's okay.
You are helping hearts heal! That work ripples out to all of us. On behalf of the broken hearted everywhere, thank you for being a friend.